pixiebelle

“Why am I bored? I’m never bored in the evenings,” I asked myself.

Then it hit me.

Normally I would be walking you. We’d visit pet stores and I’d buy those peanut butter cookie treats you liked. Then we’d walk home and eat the bag of them together (because they were approved for human consumption, and the best damned peanut butter cookies I’d ever had). I wasn’t bored when I had you.

You were more than just a pet - you were my emotional support dog.

You weren’t trained for the job, it just developed naturally for you. I’m sorry you had to deal with me at my worst. I struggled mentally and emotionally, and my life was like a roller coaster back then. It couldn’t have been easy for you, yet you always showed me love. You always knew how to calm me down, to stop me from spiraling.

And it wasn’t just me.

My ex had some anger issues, and every time he started getting upset, you would come over and place your head in his lap. Who could resist those big, brown eyes staring up at them? He’d pet you and calm down before even realizing that you’d worked your magic over on him.

You helped train the cats to stop scratching the furniture, which sounds so weird, but it’s true. Cat whisperer was one of your many talents. Once you were gone, Dexter went back to scratching everything he could dig his claws into.

Everyone who knew you loved you, and you spread joy everywhere you went.

You were my everything.

When I divorced my abusive ex-husband, you were there.

When I crammed everything I owned into a Ford Focus and moved thousands of miles away from my family, you were there.

When I lost my job, you were there.

When I thought I was losing it all, you were there.

My life revolved around you.

There were mornings that it would be hard to wake up, but I had to get up and take you potty. There were days I didn’t want to leave the house, but I had to walk you. There were days I didn’t want to eat, but I had to get up and feed you anyway, so might as well make myself something too. Every little thing that I did for you helped me too. You gave me a purpose.

You were the most consistent person in my life, and you weren’t even a person.

You were always there until you weren’t.

I think of my life in terms of Before Losing You and After You. The Beforetimes were the best times, the happy times. After you, I feared the best years of my life were over.

I found myself struggling to wake up, struggling to go outside, struggling to eat again.

I was bored, and nothing could fill that void the way you did.

Nothing ever will, not completely, and I know that.

But after five years, I realized it was time to open my heart to other possibilities.

People find it hilarious that I went from one of the biggest dog breeds to the smallest. I find it funny too, but I have my reasons.

After you, I knew I needed a dog I could carry in case of an emergency.

After you, I wanted a dog that didn’t have such a short lifespan.

After you, I wanted a dog that was nothing like you because I knew none would ever compare to you. It wouldn’t be fair to them if I tried to replace you - you were irreplaceable.

He’s tiny, he weighs about as much as one of your paws. He doesn’t love strangers or other dogs the way you did, he merely tolerates them. He barks more than you did. But he loves to cuddle and he’s the sweetest little thing.

And I already love him so, so much.

So while I’m still without you, I’m not alone anymore.

And I think you’d like that.

After all, you always seemed to want what’s best for me.